


I Don't Think About You At All

by DaveAlgonquin



Category: Mad Men
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, F/M, Homophobic Language, Period-Typical Homophobia, Suicidal Thoughts, internalised biphobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:08:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23925907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaveAlgonquin/pseuds/DaveAlgonquin
Summary: Ginsberg and Megan have a lot more in common than they thought.
Relationships: Megan Calvet/Michael Ginsberg
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I never considered this pairing as a possibility until I read adreadfulidea's fics on here and fell in love. Thanks for the inspiration!
> 
> I've a plan sketched out so we'll see how far this story goes. This is the first fic I've ever posted so feedback is very welcome.

It was late. Ginsberg stretched and his neck cracked. It had been a long, long day. Don had ordered 50 tags for Heinz for tomorrow morning, but he couldn't focus, not one bit. He couldn't focus at the best of times, what with the way his brain was always screaming at him. But this was worse.

He'd always known he was different. Not just the whole concentration camp and orphanage and dead parents thing. Something else. He liked guys. In an.... intimate way. It was disgusting. But worse again, he liked girls. Also in that way. He'd have been able to cope with just liking guys. There's lots of homos, even some in this agency, he suspected. But liking both? There was something immoral about that. Something greedy. It made him anxious. One night he'd dream about fucking a big, muscular guy. The next night, he'd dream about doing it with a girl he knew from school, or from temple. But he'd never even fucked nobody, really, not even once. Who'd want a freak like him?

He had found himself looking at Stan earlier, out of the corner of his eye. Not just at Stan, but at his... body. His shoulders. His ass. He daydreamed about locking the door, walking over to him and kissing him smack bang on the mouth. And then doing... other things. How could he think that way? Stan was like his best friend. His only friend, truly. The only person who actually cared about him in this dump. Peggy found him annoying, he knew it. Like a little fly buzzing around her ear that she wanted to swat away. He wanted her to like him. No. Why was he kidding himself? He was jealous of her. She was Don's favourite and he gave her all the best work. And she was damn good at it. But that wasn't it. Once on a night not unlike this, when him and Stan were in the office on their own and Stan was stoned and drunk, he'd told him that he was in love with her, that she was the love of his life, that her tits were amazing, all things he wanted Stan to be saying about him. Well, maybe not the tits. 

The office door opened and he nearly jumped out of his seat with surprise. It was Megan.  
"What the hell are you doing here?"  
"Nice to see you too"  
She threw her coat and bag down on the couch. She seemed upset about something. Her eyes were red and her face was blotchy.  
"No really, what the hell are you doing here? Should you not be at home with your husband? It's almost eleven o clock!"  
"Fuck you. And fuck my husband. I want to do some work"  
"I thought you were done with copywriting, no? Peggy said you wanted to leave"  
"Why is everyone suddenly questioning my decisions? I'm not a child"  
"All right, all right. Jesus. I can say nothing right in this office"  
Megan took a folder from Peggy's desk and started looking through it.  
"I have to finish writing the coupons for Heinz. I've been going crazy in the apartment and I need something to distract me"  
"Crazy?"  
"Crazy"  
He didn't think she meant crazy in the way he understood it. How could she be going crazy? She's Megan. She never has a hair out of place. Let alone her mind.  
"Do you want coffee? I don't like to drink alcohol in here but coffee is okay. Alcohol makes me upset. Coffee just makes me jittery. But no more jittery than usual"  
She nodded. He got up and went to the break room.

When he got back with the coffee, Megan was lying on the couch with her feet dangling over the arm rest. She'd taken off her shoes. They were silver and glittery. So was her dress.  
"You're all dressed up. Were you at a party? Or is this how you dress at home?"  
"Yes, Michael. I wear heels and dresses when I'm relaxing at home"  
"I don't know? Maybe Don likes you like that? I don't know what other people's home lives are like. I live with my father and all he does is wear a vest and fall asleep in front of the set"  
"Don doesn't like me at all"  
"Well you wouldn't know by looking at him. He won't leave you alone in here with us. What does he think we're going to do?"  
"If he liked me he wouldn't be screwing other women behind my back"

This was getting too deep. Ginsberg didn't know what to say. He decided to change the conversation to something a bit lighter.  
"So, Heinz. Do you have any bright ideas? I mean it's beans, how bright can any ideas be? They're beans"  
She was wiping tears from her eyes with the back of her hand. It was making her mascara run.  
"Oh no, this is not a place for tears. Megan... It'll be alright. You'll see"  
He moved to sit on the edge of the couch. Megan sat up.  
"I'm sorry. I'm just so sad. All the time. I can't keep living like this. I can't keep putting on a happy face and pretending my life isn't shit"  
"I thought you wanted to be an actress"  
That made her laugh. She had such a nice laugh. He hadn't noticed that before.  
"But seriously. I know what it's like. My life is shit. It's always been shit. I'm a freak. I'm not saying you're a freak but just I can sympathise"  
"You're not a freak"  
"Yes I am. I'm a Martian, an alien, an anomaly. Abnormal"  
She looked over at him. He was staring into space. He looked like the loneliest person in the world.  
"I feel abnormal too"  
"What have you to feel abnormal about? You're gorgeous, you know that. And you're smart"  
"Don hates me. My parents hate me"  
"My parents are dead. Well, my real parents. Morris is still kicking. Why do you think your parents hate you?"  
"I've been a disappointment all my life. I wanted to be an actress. I wanted to leave Montreal. My father's a communist and I married a capitalist. My mother's a Catholic and I'm a dyke"  
"A dyke? You're married. To a man"  
"She caught me in bed with my best friend when we were sixteen. My friend Sara. She almost threw me out of the house. She would have if she wasn't so embarrassed. The neighbours might ask questions"  
"So you're a lesbian then? You like girls? Why did you marry Don?"  
"No, I like both"

Ginsberg's heart felt like it was going to either stop or burst out of his chest altogether. She liked both. It wasn't just him.  
"Michael? Are you alright?"  
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. I'm just shocked. I didn't know that could happen".  
He was combing his fingers through his hair and his knee was bouncing up and down. He couldn't stop it. His blood felt like it had been replaced with soda. Like it was fizzing around inside him and any minute the top of his head would blow off.  
"You're the same aren't you?"  
He wanted to deny it but what was the point? His reaction had made it obvious. He wanted to run to Pete Campbell's office and find that gun that everyone said he kept in there and point it straight at his head. A thing like that!  
"Yes"

He let out a sigh of relief that he didn't even know he was holding. He felt light headed. It wasn't just him. Megan was a freak too.  
"I'm sorry, I hope I didn't make you say something about it before you were ready"  
"Megan. I was never going to be ready to say that. Christ I feel like I need a smoke or something"  
"I didn't think you smoked"  
"I don't but I feel like I need something to do with my hands. I'm all antsy"  
Megan got her cigarettes out of her purse. She gave Ginsberg one and took one for herself. She passed him the lighter and he took a drag.  
"For fuck's sake! I feel like I'm going to cough up my lungs! Jesus this is worse than the fizzy blood!"  
"The fizzy blood?"  
"When I'm anxious. It feels like my blood is fizzy. I can't describe it any other way. It feels like it's going to come out the top of my head and I'm going to explode into a million pieces"  
"That sounds uncomfortable"  
"It is. It's very uncomfortable"

They sat in silence. His hand was still trembling. Megan reached for it and squeezed it.  
"You're brave"  
"I'm not. I just admitted I'm a pervert"  
"If you're a pervert then I'm one too"  
He looked over at her and smiled. A big smile that reached his eyes and made the skin around them crinkle. Megan thought it was the most beautiful smile she had ever seen.  
"I guess you are"


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CN: mention of suicide/suicide method

A couple of weeks had passed since their conversation in the office. Ginsberg tried to put what had happened out of his head. He didn't want to think about it, any of it. The things he'd said. He'd made a fool out of himself. Not being able to keep his secret to himself, blabbing it to the first person who asked him. He was trash, and he couldn't understand why Megan kept talking to him after it. She kept looking at him, a knowing look. He couldn't stand to be around her in case she'd tell Stan and Peggy. Had she told Don? Would he be fired? Perverts and freaks got fired. He thought about quitting but he needed the money to help out his Pop with the rent. Fucking responsibilities. He wished he could just disappear. Vanish into thin air. Nobody would miss him. 

It was lunch time and him and Megan were the only creative around. Peggy and Stan were out at a pitch. Ed and Mathis were... somewhere. He didn't know where. Don had just gone to the airport to catch a flight to California. He had popped his head into the creative lounge before he left.  
"Megan. I need to talk to you"  
Megan got up. She came back a couple of minutes later.  
"He wants me to go with him"  
"To Los Angeles? Not bad"  
"I don't feel like it. He'll be in the office working with Ted on Sunkist. I'll be left on my own"  
"You'll be left on your own if he goes and you don't"  
"That's different. It's my own choice"

Ginsberg rubbed the mark on his finger where he had been holding his pencil. He liked to doodle when he was trying to come up with ideas. He could think better. Megan swallowed and made a strange, strangled sound in her throat.  
"Do you remember what I said a couple of weeks ago?"  
He dropped his pencil and his head shot up. No, fuck no. She wasn't going to bring this up right here was she?  
"What the fuck Megan. Don't remind me about that. I don't ever want to think about it"  
"No, not that"  
She looked at him with her big, clear eyes. He felt a strange sensation in the pit of his stomach. It felt like she could see straight through him.  
"About Don cheating on me"  
She said it so quietly that he almost couldn't hear.  
"Oh. That"  
"I found an earring in the pocket of his trench coat"  
"Are you sure it's not one of yours?"  
She glared at him.   
"I'm sick of him treating me like shit. Like I'm not a real person. Just some trophy he can have on his arm at client dinners who he gets to bring home and fuck"  
He could feel his face getting warm. As much as he tried not to think about that night in the office, there was one thing that kept featuring in his dreams. One person. And him. Doing what she'd just said.   
She looked over at him.  
"Sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. He's your boss"  
"It's not that. I don't care about him. Well obviously I care about his opinion. I mean on me and my work. Your relationship isn't my business"  
She stiffened in her chair. He noticed how hurt she looked, and the pain in her eyes.  
"You're the only person I can talk to about this. I haven't said it to anyone else. My family would laugh in my face. Once a cheater, always a cheater"  
"I don't mind you talking to me. I like it. You're a sweet girl. But I don't know what I can do"  
"You don't need to do anything"

They spent the rest of the afternoon working together on copy for Heinz. He liked having someone different to work with. She was so funny. The sensation in his stomach grew stronger but he tried to ignore it. She's married for fuck's sake. You're such an animal.   
"Do you want to go get something to eat?"  
Was she really asking him that? Him and her, in a restaurant, or diner, or bar (hopefully not) or anywhere that wasn't the office?  
"I guess. What do you fancy? I'm easy. I like everything"  
She laughed.  
"I know you do"  
Another flip in his stomach. She needed to stop being so goddamn cute. Why did everyone in this office turn him on? Freak.  
"How about that diner? You know the one where we all went that one time? And you laughed so much at something Stan said that your milkshake came out your nose?"  
Not one of his finest moments.  
"Alright. Let's go. I promise not to order a milkshake this time"

They took their time walking to the diner, even though it was only a few blocks away. It was a beautiful late summer's evening and everyone they walked past seemed content. Yes, even in Manhattan.   
"Everyone looks so happy. It's weird. I wonder do they think the same about us"  
"I feel happy when I'm with you"  
He wished she hadn't said that. It just made everything so much more difficult. They arrived at the diner and found a free booth down at the back. Ginsberg knew what he wanted (Jesus, not that! What he wanted to eat!) but still made a big show of looking through the menu the waitress brought down.  
"I'll get a burger. And fries. And a coke"  
"Same for me"  
The diner was busy but the silence at their table felt impossible to break. He never usually had any problems breaking an awkward silence with some random fact or story. But it was different when he was with Megan. He was anxious. But not in the way that he'd been anxious before. He'd been anxious since the day he was born. This was different. It was harder to manage. He knew she could see it in his face. He felt like if he didn't keep his concentration he'd throw up.  
"You know, I've always wanted to live in California. In Hollywood. To be an actress."  
She stirred her drink with her straw.   
"So why didn't you go with Don? You could have found an agent or gone to auditions or whatever else actresses do"  
"It just didn't feel right. I wouldn't have been me. I'd have been Don's wife. I'm always just Don's wife"  
"But you are his wife? I don't get what you're saying"  
"Stop being an asshole. You know what I mean. I want to be my own person and I feel like he doesn't want that. He wants Megan his secretary, who went to Disneyland with him on the spur of the moment and accepted his impulsive proposal because it was romantic and like a fairy tale. Not the Megan who's depressed and awkward and hard tongued. But we're the same person"  
She started to cry. He scooted across to her side and put his arm around her.  
"Jesus. Have my handkerchief. It's clean. I think. There, there"  
"Why am I never enough for anybody?"  
"You're enough for me"  
He regretted saying it the minute the words came out of his mouth. Fuck. She had an expression on her face he couldn't read. It was disgust, he was sure of it. What else could it be? Nobody could respond any other way to someone like him saying something like that.  
(It wasn't disgust).  
"You're so sweet, even if I don't believe you"  
He thought he might as well double down. He was going to have to quit anyway with the shame of it all so he probably wouldn't even see her again. What the hell.   
"It's true. Megan, seriously"  
She took a sip of her coke. The air felt like it had electricity in it. His stomach felt like it had electricity in it.   
"I want you to come back to my apartment"

They hailed a cab outside the diner. Megan and Don lived on Park Avenue. Jesus, it was fancy. Ginsberg felt out of place just by standing on the street. They got into the elevator and she pushed the button for the seventeenth floor. He didn't know what was going to happen when they got there. He knew what he'd like to happen, but he didn't even want that thought in his head right now.   
"Jesus fucking Christ. The size of this place. It's as big as the fucking office"  
"Don paid a shitload of money for it. Do you want a drink?"  
"No. Alcohol..."  
"It makes you upset. I remember"  
He looked out the window on to the balcony.  
"What a fucking view. Imagine waking up to that every morning. No wonder Don's happy"  
"Let's go out and have a proper look"

Megan took his hand and led him out through the glass doors.   
"This is the only place in this apartment I feel like myself"  
"Really? The only place? In this entire mansion?"  
"Yes. Really"  
She sighed.  
"Sometimes things feel so hopeless that I want to step up on the wall and just... jump. Into the nothingness. Not that anyone would miss me"  
"Megan. What the fuck. Don't talk like that. You think your family wouldn't miss you? You think I-"  
He stopped short of saying it. It felt like finishing that sentence would ruin things.   
"Finish what you were going to say"  
"What? What are you talking about?"  
"You didn't finish your sentence"  
He took a deep breath.  
"I would miss you. If you jumped. I would miss you a hell of a lot"  
And then she kissed him. Smack bang on the mouth.


End file.
